Knots

I am not sure what everyone else goes through when feeling stressed, I can only speak for myself. There were times growing up when I would feel a nervous twinge in the pit of my stomach. A feeling of being a little disconnected, a little lost to the moment. If my parents were home, I would seek their proximity and would feel better. If they were out, I would go to their bedroom. There was something calming about just crossing the threshold. I would sit in one of their chairs or explore my father’s top dresser drawer until I felt at ease. In that drawer I would touch his tie pins and cufflinks, poke at his pads containing notes and bits of his life, and feel the wooden beads of his rosary slip through my fingers. In finding my parents or the symbols of my parents I was reassured and made safe.

It has been several decades since I have lived with my parents, in fact they are no longer around to visit much less live with. But I feel they raised me well, and the strength I once sought from them I have attempted to pass along to my wife and children (and have watched them do the same with their families). Still there are times as an adult that I get worried, that a knot twists in my belly. For the past two years especially, I have felt that knot daily.

This is not a tangle within me that can be eased by a visit to mom’s and dad’s bedroom, or by the cool feel of wooden beads on my fingertips. It cannot be eased in talking to my wife, or children, or friends. In many ways sharing my feelings just tightens the knot because there is no one to invalidate my fears.

In the microcosm of one’s life, parents, family, the circle of close friends help smooth rough spots. Similarly for American society, our government functions much the same way for citizens – at least for me. When the world turns frightening as on September 11^th, knowing my government and my president were there to defend us and to rally a world of allies in support of us gave me some calm upon those turbulent seas.

I don’t have that security now. Our president works to divide people. Our president works to subvert faith in the judiciary, the congress, law enforcement. Our president works to separate us from a world of friends while embracing well known enemies. I cannot at this time look to my government to untie my knots, the government has become fractured, ultra-partisan, and contentious or servile depending on the side of the aisle that is viewed. It has been made this way by the master of knots, Donald Trump.

When the nation’s “father” is the stressor and the uncertainty, we are without a core. Rather than a cohesive orb, we have become fractured flotsam in irregular orbits about a volatile center that seems to threaten a big bang or big crunch at any moment. We have no room to enter for peace, no words to read that can bring comfort. Even our founding document is being used and taken advantage of in ways the framers never imagined.

I want better for my country. I want better guardians than the polarized few we have elected. I want a president and representatives that think first of what is best globally, nationally, and personally for the citizens. Now it seems all about power, the president has it, his party wants to keep it, and opposition wants to take it away. Where has love, peace, and understanding retreated to in the presence of paranoia and fear? Where has the security gone? Where is my parents’ bedroom, and the drawer with the icons of my father?